


AVENGERS' COMMUNICATION CHANNEL

by sciencebutch



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, This is a group chat fic, a whole lotta bruce, liberal use of the !airhorn command, op misses 2012 avengers so he revives their dynamic through texting and banter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-08-07 06:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16402703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencebutch/pseuds/sciencebutch
Summary: BANNER: Tony...what is this?STARK: Just a little team building activityBANNER: Why?STARK: For team buildingSTARK: I feel like Steve would approve





	1. thor learns about emoticons

**Author's Note:**

> yea this has been done before but i dont give one shit or fuck so take that haters

**STARK** _ has created a server. _

**STARK** _has invited_ **BANNER** _,_ **ROGERS** _,_ **THOR** _,_ **BARTON** _, and_ **ROMANOV** _to the server._

**STARK** _is online._

**STARK** _has named the server_ Tony Stark Appreciation Club _._

 

10:43 AM, 7/21/12

 

**STARK** : Hello 

 

**BANNER** _is online._

 

**BANNER** : Tony...what is this?

**STARK** : Just a little team building activity

**BANNER** : Why?

**STARK** : For team building

**STARK** : I feel like Steve would approve

**BANNER** : I didn’t even have Discord on my phone—or an account, for that matter...how the hell?

**STARK** : A magician never reveals his secrets ;)

**STARK** : Also Brucie this is the internet, stop using punctuation

**STARK** : You gotta relax

**BANNER** : No.

**STARK** : :(

 

**BARTON** _ is online _ .

 

**BARTON** : tony you know we all live in the same building right

**STARK** : Everyone’s a critic

**STARK** : Sorry I wanted to strengthen our team bond

**STARK** : I’m going to get Stevie in here, he’ll defend me

**BANNER** : ...

**BANNER** : Please don’t yell, Tony.

 

**ROGERS** _is online_.

**ROMANOV** _is online_.

 

**ROGERS** : What is this.

**ROGERS** : I just heard Tony yelling at me to check my phone.

**ROMANOV** : We all did, Steve. He used JARVIS to reach every corner of the tower

**BARTON** : even i heard him and i didn’t have my hearing aids in

**STARK** : Hello Capsicle

**STARK** : Hello Nat

**STARK** : Clint we all know that’s not true

**ROGERS** : Tony what is this.

**ROGERS** : You do know that I’m a room away from you right.

**STARK** : Yes

**STARK** : Your point?

**STARK** : It’s the 2000s Cap, everyone texts instead of speaking

**ROGERS** : That doesnt mean you should follow their example.

**BARTON** : why do i feel like i’m in one of those ads directed towards teens who use their phones too much

**BARTON** : “avengers against texting”

**STARK** : Steve, if this was real life could I do this?

**STARK** : !airhorn

**BARTON** : WHAT THE FUCK

**ROMANOV** : Please don’t

**ROGERS** : Jesus

**BANNER** : If anything, that’s an excellent example as to why we shouldn’t use Discord.

**STARK** : …

**STARK** : !airhorn

**BARTON** : !airhorn

**BANNER** : Tony I WILL Hulk out.

 

**STARK** _ has been kicked from the server. _

**BARTON** _ has been kicked from the server. _

 

**BANNER** : Who…?

**ROMANOV** : Tony seems to forget I’m quite good at hacking

**BANNER** : Ah.

**ROGERS** : Should we add them back or

**ROMANOV** : Give it a few hours

**ROMANOV** : But now that Tony isn’t here…

 

**ROMANOV** _has renamed the server_ Avengers

 

**ROMANOV** : Much better

**ROMANOV** : :)

 

2:25 PM, 7/21/12

 

**ROMANOV** _has added_ **STARK** _and_ **BARTON** _to the server._

 

**BANNER** : Welcome back.

**STARK** : NAT YOU CANT KICK SOMEONE FROM THEIR OWN SERVER

**ROMANOV** : I can do it again if you want

**STARK** : Wait no

**BARTON** : lol

**ROGERS** : What is that.

**BARTON** : what

**ROGERS** : “Lol”.

**BARTON** : oh it means laugh out loud

**ROGERS** : Oh fun. Lol.

**STARK** : Oh my god

**BANNER** : Oh I’ve been meaning to ask—how is Thor in the group chat if he doesn’t have a phone?

**STARK** : What makes you think he doesn’t have a phone

**BANNER** : The fact that he’s an alien from another planet.

**BARTON** : i mean that reasoning is valid

**STARK** : Well he’s on earth now, so he needs to be able to speak to us at long distances

**ROGERS** : He already does.

**STARK** : Without a raven, I mean

**BARTON** : lol

**BANNER** : So...does that mean he has a phone?

**STARK** : Of course

**STARK** : It’s 2012, who doesn’t have a phone

**BANNER** : Well I didn’t until a few weeks ago.

**ROGERS** : Yeah me neither.

**STARK** : Did I ask?

**BANNER** : Yes, actually.

**BARTON** : lol

**ROMANOV** : Can you say anything other than “lol”?

**BARTON** : shut up

**STARK** : Anyway lemme get Thor

**BARTON** : PLEASE stop yelling

**BARTON** : i’m going to actually go deaf.

**ROGERS** : Holy smokes

 

**THOR** _is online._

 

**THOR** : What is This………….

**STARK** : Hey Thor

**THOR** : Ah...hello tony…..

**BANNER** : Hello Thor!

**THOR:** Banner!!! Hello!!!

**STARK** : Why does Bruce get exclamation points

**BARTON** : bc bruce is cool

**THOR** : Yes..

**BANNER** : You hear that? I’m cool.

**STARK** : You’re a grandpa 

**BANNER** : I’ll have you know I take offense to that.

**STARK** : Take as much offense as you want 

**STARK** : Doesn’t change the fact that you’re old

**BANNER** : You are 162 days younger than I am.

**STARK** : Whatever

**STARK** : You act old

**STARK** : Always using proper punctuation and shit

**BANNER** : …

**BANNER** : I’m not showing you the equations I worked on for your Arc Reactor.

**STARK** : No 

**STARK** : Wait

**BANNER** : It’s too late, Stark. You’re just going to have to find out the energy levels for the excited vibranium ions yourself.

**STARK** : You wound me, Banner

**BANNER** : I wound a lot of people, get in line.

 

6:46 PM, 7/21/12

 

**ROGERS** _is online._

 

**ROGERS** : Dinner s ready

**ROGERS** : Its lasana 

 

**BARTON** _ is online. _

 

**BARTON** : oh boy

**ROGERS** : Clint .’

**ROGERS** : Were you in the ceiling the entire time i was cooking?

**BARTON** : perhaps 

**BARTON** : lol

**ROGERS** : Lol

 

**ROMANOV** _ is online. _

 

**ROMANOV** : Боже мой, Clint, can you say something other than “lol”?

**BARTON** : lol

**ROMANOV** : Clint, I will steal your teeth.

**BARTON** : uh

 

**BARTON** _is offline._

 

**ROMANOV** : :)

 

**STARK** _ is online. _

 

**STARK** : You killed him

**STARK** : I can’t believe this

**STARK** : Hawkeyes dead

**ROGERS** : Dinners read y Tony

**STARK** : Lemme get Bruce

 

3:43 AM, 7/22/12

 

**STARK** _ is online. _

**STARK** _ has changed username to  _ **Iron Man is the best Avenger**

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _ has named the server   _ Rock music is good fuck you Bruce

**BANNER** _ is online. _

**BANNER** _ has changed username to  _ **Jolly Green Giant**

 

6:04 AM, 7/22/12

 

**Jolly Green Giant** _ is online. _

 

**Jolly Green Giant** : Anthony. 

**Jolly Green Giant** : Mind telling me why you changed my nickname last night at 3 in the morning?

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You left your phone in the lab

**Jolly Green Giant** : Mmm.

**Jolly Green Giant** : May I remind you that I have breathtaking anger management issues?

 

**Jolly Green Giant** _has changed username to_ **Not So Jolly Green Giant**

 

**Not So Jolly Green Giant** : That wasn’t me.

**Not So Jolly Green Giant** : I don’t know whether the fact you can change people’s usernames at will is frightening or amusing, Tony.

**Not So Jolly Green Giant** : That being said…

**Not So Jolly Green Giant** : Do not do it again.

 

**Not So Jolly Green Giant** _ has changed username to  _ **Banner**

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : That’s a boring name

**Banner** : I remember you telling me yesterday that I’m a boring person.

**Banner** : Figured this fit the theme.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Awwww, come on Brucie, don’t be like that

 

**BARTON** _is online._

 

**BARTON** : oh nicknames? nice

 

**BARTON** _has changed username to_ **Actually Hawkeye is the best Avenger**

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I resent that

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Come up with something original

 

**Actually Hawkeye is the best Avenger** _has changed username to_ **Hawk Guy**

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : :)

 

**THOR** _is online._

 

**THOR** : What .Is that…….

**Hawk Guy** : hey thor

**Hawk Guy** : whats what?

**THOR** : The : and ) 

**Banner** : It’s a happy face. 

**Banner** : :)

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Bruce? Smiling? Hell must have frozen over 

**Banner** : Shut up.

**THOR** : Ah…. 

**THOR** : :)

**THOR** : Thank uou for showing me this banner….I will put it to great use :)

**Banner** : :)

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I mean. I used it first, so

**Hawk Guy** : no one asked

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Well, give credit where credit is due at least

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : And credit is due to me

 

12:06 PM, 7/22/12

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Have any of you noticed the thing Fury has stuck in his teeth

 

**ROGERS** _ is online. _

 

**ROGERS** : We ar e in a meeting, tony. Don t be rude .

**ROGERS** : But yes

 

**Banner** _is online_.

 

**Banner** : If I’m being honest, I haven’t listened to a word he said this entire meeting.

**Banner** : I’ve just been looking at it.

**Banner** : It’s more interesting than whatever he’s talking about.

**ROGERS** : Dr banner! Pay attention this is important !!!!!

**Banner** : Not to me it isn’t. 

**Banner** : To the Hulk, maybe.

 

**Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : i call dibs on not telling him about it

**Hawk Guy** : what do you think it is?

**Banner** : It looks like a vegetable of some kind. 

**Hawk Guy** : maybe its kale

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Fury doesn’t strike me as a kale type of dude

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I’m putting more money on broccoli 

**Banner** : I don’t know...

**Banner** : Looks more like arugula to me. 

 

**ROMANOV** _ is online. _

 

**ROMANOV** : It’s spinach. Now shut up and pay attention.

 

**ROMANOV** _ is offline. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : well folks

**Hawk Guy** : looks like we have our answer

 

8:34 PM, 7/22/18

 

**FURY** _ has entered  _ Rock music is good fuck you Bruce

**FURY** _ is online. _

 

**FURY** : Mind telling me why you decided that texting was more important than my meeting?

**FURY** : And it was spinach.

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

 

**Fury** _ has been kicked from  _ Rock music is good fuck you Bruce

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : WE’VE HAD A BREACH

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : SOUND THE ALARMS

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : I understand the sentiment, Tony, but stop making that atrocious noise, unless you want the top half of your tower smashed to bits.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : :)

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Hear ya loud and clear, Brucie Bear :)

**Banner** : I feel like you don’t, though.

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _ has named the server  _ Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. banner’s horrible music taste and life choices in general

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. it’s been a hot sec

2:24 PM, 7/24/12

 

**Hawk Guy** _is online_.

 

**Hawk Guy** : hey guys whos playing that music in the lab

 

**ROMANOV** _is online._

 

**ROMANOV** : Dr. Banner.

 

**Banner** _is online_.

 

**Banner** : Oh. Yeah that’s me.

**Banner** : Sorry guys. I thought the lab was soundproof.

**Hawk Guy** : mmhmm. ok can i ask you something tho?

**Banner** : Sure.

**Hawk Guy** : why have you been listening to mambo #5 on repeat for the past 6 hours.

**Banner** : Has it really been that long? I didn’t realize.

**Hawk Guy** : answer the question bruce

**Banner** : Why do I have to explain my music taste to you?

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh are we talking about Bruce’s atrocious music taste?

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Just be glad it isn’t Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus or Down With the Sickness :/

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : He played Monster Mash at ungodly decibels from 12 to 9 am once

**Hawk Guy** : bruce. bruce

**Hawk Guy** : why.

**Banner** : To atone.

**Hawk Guy** : PLEASE get a therapist

 

11:03 PM, 7/24/12

 

**Banner** : At least I don’t listen to AC/DC. :)

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Ohh look at me, Bruce Something Banner, who comes up with comebacks _9 hours after the conversation_

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Also AC/DC is a good band fuck you

**Banner** : Is it though? :)

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Banner. Don’t make me come over there

**Banner** : Well.

**Banner** : I’m listening to Rick Astley and waiting for my gel electrophoresis to finish so come on down.

**Hawk Guy** : WHAT RHE FUCK BRUCE JUST LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC

 

6:34 AM, 7/25/12

 

**ROMANOV** _is online._

 

**ROMANOV** : You know Doctor Banner, I’ve always considered you as a classical music sort of man.

**Banner** : A lot of people say that, and I’m not sure why.

**Hawk Guy** : i would rather you listen to that than fuckin…

**Banner** : Soulja Boy?

**Hawk Guy** : you have no right to live the way that you do

**Banner** : I know. That’s why I do it.

**ROMANOV** : Боже мой

 

12:36 PM, 7/26/12

 

**Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : hey why did thor just walk by me humming never gonna give you up

 

**THOR** _is online._

**Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : :)

**THOR** : Rick astley is Truly a Wordsmith of the Highest Caliber…

**THOR** : His Song tells a tale of Undying Devotion and Passion…..

**THOR** : A Warriors song

**Banner** : Couldn’t have said it better myself.

**THOR** : Ah….banner…..hello. Thank you for showing me Sir Astley

**Banner** : No problem.

**THOR** : Also,.

**THOR** : I have Discovered something Very Neat

**Banner** : Oh?

**THOR** : Adding a Hyphen in between “:” and “)” adds a nose. Observe:

**THOR** : :-)

**Banner** : Oh nice!

**Banner** : :^)

**THOR** : !!!

 

**ROGERS** _is online_.

 

**ROGERS** : Jow did you get that point

**ROGERS** : The triangle thing. I cant find it on my key board

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online_.

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I hate this

**Banner** : Seems like Steve has usurped my grandpa status, Stark. 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Nah, you’re still the grandpa 

 

**Hawk Guy** _is online_.

 

**Hawk Guy** : i mean steve may be older year wise but you are actually aging so. sorry gramps, but,,

**Hawk Guy** : youve gone gray

**Banner** : I mean, I’m not physically aging.

**Banner** : The gray hair and wrinkles are from stress alone. I’ve examined the telomeres in my cells to see if I was aging for...reasons...and they actually regenerate rather than the opposite. I just have very high cortisol levels which causes the crows feet and gray hairs.

**Hawk Guy** : ok first

**Hawk Guy** : i am PLEADING with you. BEGGING you. PLEASE see a therapist

**Hawk Guy** : second

**Hawk Guy** : get a fucking therapist banner

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Jesus Christ Bruce

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Did you seriously experiment on yourself again to see if you could find a way to artificially age yourself so you could die

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Because if so I second Barton’s statements

**Banner** : …

**Banner** : Who’s the grandpa now?

**Hawk Guy** : i swear to god banner, i will actually kill u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh... is that a civil war ii reference? could be


	3. "yelp!" -what bruce says when he's been captured by the military

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the avengers find bruce's yelp account after a mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH i know these chapters are all bruce-centric but what do you EXPECT

10:02 AM, 7/27/12

 

 **Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** HOLY SHIT GUYS GUESS WHAT I JUST CAME ACROSS

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Holyyyy fuck

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** I can’t believe this

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** I’m

 

**Hawk Guy** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy:** ya gonna tell us what it is or will we have to guess 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** While that is a fun game you’re never gonna guess so I’ll just tell you

**Hawk Guy** : how kind of you

**Hawk Guy:** i see why the media calls you a philanthropist 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Right. Anyway

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** So

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** You know that whole battle we (naturally) won yesterday

 

 **ROMANOV** _is online_

 

**ROMANOV** : No, please enlighten me Stark.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Shut up Romanov

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** This situation has no need for your sass

**ROMANOV** : I beg to differ.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Well I don’t

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Can I continue

**ROMANOV** : By all means.

**Hawk Guy:** im on the edge of my god damn seat

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Wait 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** You have a seat

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** I thought you lived in the vents 

**Hawk Guy** : i do. its a figure of speech

**ROMANOV** : Fucking. Speak.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** YEAH

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Hang on lemme get everyone in here we need to have a team meeting

**Hawk Guy** : jade jaws is passed the fuck out in his room

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Everyone but him I mean

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** We all know Brucie-Bear needs his beauty sleep after a hulk out

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Also this is about him anyway

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** @everyone get in here

 

 **ROGERS** _is online._

 **THOR** _is online._

 

**THOR** : Hello friends!!!!! :-D 

**ROGERS** : Hi evryone 

**ROGERS:** How do I change my name ?

**Hawk Guy** : you can hear me sighing thru the vents if you listen closely

**Hawk Guy** : tony if this story isn’t as good as you say it is ill do something dangerous but not necessarily life threatening to u

**Hawk Guy** : i’ll figure out the details later

**ROMANOV** : I’ll show you, Steve.

 

10:25 AM, 7/27/12

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Any fucking day now

 

 **ROGERS** _has changed username to_ **Steve**

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Finally

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Can I continue

**Steve** : Pleasedo

**Steve** : But I do t think we should be talking about a teammate who isn’t here

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** It’s nothing bad don’t worry

**Steve** : … Ok

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Ok

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** So

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** You all may not know this but after battles I get J to scan the internet for public opinion about Jolly Green just to see you know

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Because I care about my science bro

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** So JARVIS is scanning and he finds something very interesting 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** So interesting I almost had a heart attack 

**ROMANOV** : That isn’t saying much.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Natasha

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** What did I say about the sass

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Read the chatlogs if you need a reminder

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** But anyway

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** To make a long story short

**Hawk Guy** : which you shoulda done in the beginning

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Shh

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** Let me fucking speak Birdbrain 

**Hawk Guy** : i have been

**Iron Man is the best Avenger:** ...

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I found Brucie’s yelp account

**Hawk Guy** : holy shit

**Steve:** What is that 

**ROMANOV:** A website where people post reviews of different businesses.

**Steve:** Oh

**Hawk Guy** : is it from before the hulk

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : No 

**Hawk Guy** : how the fuck..,

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Going by the date on these reviews 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : He made it directly /after/ he got Hulk-ified

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Which makes this even better 

**Steve** : Wasnt he on rhe run though

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Yes

**ROMANOV** : What kind of stuff did he review?

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You’re not going to believe me

**ROMANOV** : Try me.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Top secret underground organizations and their um

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : “Hospitality”

**Hawk Guy** : oh my fuckign god

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : There’s a lot about Ross here 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : For reasons you would all expect

**Steve** : Hate that guy. Haad to talk to him for some banquet thing

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Yeah he sucks

**ROMANOV** : Looking this up now. Still can’t say I believe you, Tony.

**ROMANOV** :  Ебена мать, he didn’t even bother using an alias.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Read some of his reviews

**ROMANOV** : “Bruce “The Hulk” Banner”

**ROMANOV** : For location, he put: “None of your business, Ross.” 

**Hawk Guy** : LMAO

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : His most recent one was about SHIELD

**Hawk Guy** : whatd he rate it

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : He gave it 4 stars

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : “Some spy tried to seduce me into going onto the base, which was an improvement compared to the other methods these sorts of organizations have used in the past. They probably would have had more luck in the seducing department if they sent a man, though. I wasn’t sedated as they brought me in - again, a nice change - and rather than being on the receiving end of lab equipment, I was the one wielding it. The view was beautiful. Tony Stark and Captain America were there, as well as two literal gods, which was cool. And while this does sound like five star material, the food left much to be desired and the place DID explode.”

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You tried to seduce him Nat? 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Wish I could have been there to see that

**Hawk Guy** : lmao

**ROMANOV** : Oh shut up, Stark.

**Hawk Guy** : he is right about the food though

**ROMANOV** : Well, yeah.

**Steve** : Agreed

**Hawk Guy** : send another one

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh Bruce gave this one only 1 star

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : “Worst amenities ever. Cell didn’t have a toilet. The scientist was very clumsy with his scalpel.”

**ROMANOV** : I like this one: “ 4 stars. Padded vibranium cuffs were very nice and there was limited bruising. Found a hair in my food though.”

**Hawk Guy** : well you have to be able to find the positive in everything

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : This one is about Ross

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : “ Even after all these years, General Thaddeus Ross continues to be unimpressive. Scientists confused my ulnar artery with my radial artery. I’m not a medical doctor, but come on.”

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : 2 stars 

**ROMANOV** : This one has something written by the Hulk

**Hawk Guy** : holy SHIT

**ROMANOV** : “I wasn’t conscious during this, but the Hulk was, and he had this to say: PUT HULK BODY PARTS IN JARS. NO STAR. For once I’m inclined to agree with his rating.”

**Hawk Guy** : jesus

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** :  “Ross I know you’re reading these and I know you’re angry because you would’ve been my father-in-law so I know you. I’ll give you five stars if you actually give me adequate amenities before you torture the shit out of me.”

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : The bar is very low I guess

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh shit this one isn’t about a military base

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : “I showed up at this Wendy’s after hulking out. Naturally, I was half naked and very out of it. The employees gave me ice water and ignored me as I rummaged through their dumpster for food.”

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : He gave it five stars.

**Hawk Guy** : i know its bad to laugh at a friends misfortune but these are so fuckinjg funny

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : I A.I.M. to please. ;)

**Banner** : That was a pun, by the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AIM is a thing in the comics don't ask me to explain it cuz i dont even fucking know 
> 
> also credit to the thorbruce discord for this idea!! (especially [kaden](https://mutantbanner.tumblr.com/) )


	4. chapter 3.5: in which bruce has a therapist but hes the literal worst, actually

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> u know leonard samson? yeah whats his deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short and i wrote it in about five minutes but happy new year guys

5:36 PM, 7/30/12

 

 **Banner** _is online_.

 

 **Banner** : Hey Clint, I wanted to tell you something.

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online_.

 

 **Hawk Guy** : yea

 **Banner** : You know how you’re so adamant I get a therapist?

 **Hawk Guy** : im pretty sure everyone in the entire fuckign world is but go on

 **Banner** : Well I have one.

 **Hawk Guy** : oh excellent! go see him right fucking now! :)

 **Banner** : His name is Leonard Samson and he’s tall and ripped as hell and has green hair that goes down to his back. He also happens to be irradiated by gamma because he siphoned it off from me. To be fair, I let him, but only because my girlfriend was turned into crystal by some guy and that was the only way to fix her.

 **Hawk Guy** : out of everything u just said i think the craziest thing is is that you had a girlfriend

 **Banner** : Then Samson tried to seduce her.

 **Banner** : So I don’t talk to him anymore.

 

 **Hawk Guy** : im going to be honest with you bruce

 **Hawk Guy** : i dont know how to respond to that

 **Banner** : That’s fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you believe bruce got cucked by his own therapist. f


	5. hulk has joined the party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these chapters are fun and take a short time to make which is why ive been posting them alot recently heeehee

7:01 PM, 7/31/12

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : Hey guys…

**Banner** : I just…

**Banner** : Did something.

**Banner** : Something interesting. 

 

 **HULK** _is online._

 

**HULK** : HULK

**Banner** : I can explain.

**HULK** : BANNER TALK TOO MUCH

**HULK:** AND THINK TOO MUCH 

**HULK** : ANNOYING

**Banner** : Yeah, so Hulk felt like he was being left out of these ‘team meetings’. Which is silly, because these conversations, while fun, leave much to be desired in the tactical department.

**HULK** : HULK WANT TO HAVE FUN LIKE BANNER

**Banner** : Hulk feeling left out usually leaves Banner with big migraines.

**Banner** : So I did what any normal human being would do and connected Discord to a part of my cerebrum I isolated and named "Hulk's Corner" so Hulk could text.

**Banner** : Just a pet project of mine.

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _ is online. _

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Holy shit this is awesome

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Thank you so much for this Brucie Bear

**Banner** : I figured you’d like it.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You know me so well

**HULK** : TIN MAN

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Hey big guy!

**HULK** : HELLO

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online_. 

**ROMANOV** _ is online.  _

**Steve** _ is online. _

 

**ROMANOV** : We heard Tony audibly freaking out in his lab and wanted to see what the fuss was. 

**Hawk Guy** : omfg

**Banner** : Yeah, so there are strategical boons to this as well - theoretically, when Hulk’s in the driver’s seat, I should still be able to communicate here. 

**Steve** : That will be very helpful on missions !

**Hawk Guy** : yea yea yea

**Hawk Guy** : stop talking about strategy ur ruining this

**Banner** : :/

**Steve** : Lol

**HULK** : HULK AGREE

 

8:34 PM, 7/31/12

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : So you’re saying that discord streams everything directly into your brain

**Banner** : Yeah, that’s the gist.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Does that include sounds

**Banner** : Anthony.

**Hawk Guy** : oh fuck

**Hawk Guy** : dont do it stark

**ROMANOV** : Tony has been typing for too long and I don’t like it. 

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : !airhorn

**Banner** : Fuck you.

**HULK** : NO

**Banner** : Why would you do this to me. 

**HULK** : BAD SOUND

**Banner** : You leave me trapped with a distraught Hulk. In my own head. 

**Banner** : Do you know how much Advil I’m going to have to take? 

**HULK** : BAD

**Banner** : Oh shi t 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : ...why didn’t you use proper grammar 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I’m scared now

**Hawk Guy** : you broke him

 

**Banner** _ is offline. _

 

**HULK** : HULK SMA

**ROMANOV** : Блядь

**Steve** : Sigh

**Steve** : You shouldve knwon better

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Yeah I realize that now

**Hawk Guy** : how many floors do you think hulks gonna destroy

**HULK** : hey guys this is bruce

**HULK** : i know it says hulk but its me bruce

**HULK** : i should probably incorporate an algorithm that can differentiate between the frequencies of both our brain waves so that it’ll say the right thing next time because this could get confusing 

**HULK** : oh well this is just a test run i guess i can fix everything when the other guy calms down

**HULK** : just don’t let hulk destroy the whole tower please or kill anyone

**HULK** : i just bought a selection of rare herbal teas ive yet to try

**Hawk Guy** : jesus christ you’re even more talkitive in your own head

**HULK** : yeah this kinda just streams all my prominent thoughts directly into this chat 

**HULK** : hence the all lowercase letters and the lack of punctuation 

**HULK** : hulk tends to yell in my head which is why he sends stuff in all caps

**ROMANOV** : How do you not have a perpetual headache.

**HULK** :oh i do

**ROMANOV** : Oh.

 

11:42 AM, 8/1/12

 

 **Banner** _is online_.

 

**Banner** : Did I hurt anyone?

**Banner** : Are my teas okay?

 

 **Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Good morning sunshine

 

 **HULK** _is online._

 

**HULK** : SHUT UP BANNER

**HULK** : HULK HURT NO ONE

**Banner** : That’s a first.

**HULK** : HULK NOT HURT ANYONE FOR LONG TIME

**Banner** : Yeah, I know buddy.

**HULK** : THEN DON’T SAY HULK HURT

**Banner** : Okay, okay, I’ll stop.

**HULK** : GOOD

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Aw look at this bonding moment 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I’m so proud :’)

**Banner** : Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

**Banner** : Shut up.

**HULK** : BANNER EMBARRASSED

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : asdkjfkjdklkl

 

2:23 PM, 8/1/12

 

**THOR** _ is online. _

 

**THOR** : Hello, friends!!!

**THOR** : The Mighty Thor has returned to midgard!!! :-D

 

 **Steve** _is online._

 

**Steve** : Good to have you back

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

**HULK** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : Hi Thor! Welcome back! :)

**HULK** : HELLO BLONDIE

**HULK** : HULK AND PUNY BANNER MISS YOU

**HULK** : BUT HULK MISS YOU MORE THAN PUNY BA

 

**Hawk Guy** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : LMAO

 

Direct Message _between_ **HULK** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Banner** : Shut up, Hulk.

**HULK** : BANNER COWARD

**Banner** : Am not.

**HULK** : ARE TOO

**Banner** : Am not.

**HULK** : ARE TOO

**Banner** : No.

**HULK** : YES

**Banner** : No.

**HULK** : YES

**Banner** : Stop being so immature.

**HULK** : HULK NOT IMMATURE

**Banner** : Are too.

**HULK** : AM NOT

**Banner** : Are too.

**HULK** : AM NOT

**Banner** : Are too.

**HULK** : AM NOT

**Banner** : Jesus Christ. Enough.

**HULK** : NO

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

2:27 PM, 8/1/12

 

**THOR** : Im flattered! I missed you too Doctor Banner & Hulk! :^)

**HULK** : GOOD

**HULK** : BLONDIE SHOULD

**Banner** : Thank you me too

 

**Banner** : I just remembered 

**Banner** : I have to do something

**Banner** : In the lab

**Banner** : Science 

 

**Banner** _ is offline. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : aw

**Hawk Guy** : hes flustered

**Hawk Guy** : he didnt even use proper punctuation

**Hawk Guy** : how cute

**THOR** : I did not mean to cause any Strife :^( :-O

**Hawk Guy** : you didnt do anything wrong 

**Hawk Guy** : ...

**Hawk Guy** : blondie

 

Direct Message _between_ **HULK** _and_ **Banner**

 

**HULK** : STOP WATCHING BORING NATURE MOVIE

**Banner** : My life is ruined.

**Banner** : I can never show my face to them again.

**HULK** : BANNER STUPID

**HULK** : JUST GO OUTSIDE

**HULK** : BOOM

**HULK** : FACE SHOWN

**Banner** : It doesn’t work like that.

**Banner** : You’ve embarrassed me. 

**Banner** : In front of /Thor/.

**Banner** : You know how I feel about him.

**HULK** : BABY

 

Direct Message  _ between  _ **Iron Man is the best Avenger** ,  **Hawk Guy** ,  **Steve** ,  **ROMANOV**

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _has changed the name of_ Direct Message _to_ Operation: Get Thor and Bruce to Plow

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today

**ROMANOV** : Not really, the name of the server gives it away.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Fair

**Hawk Guy** : oh finally

**Hawk Guy** : theyve been dancing round each other for ages

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Capsicle, we need you on this 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : And before you complain because we shouldn’t get involved with a teammate’s love life

**Steve** : Oh no I wasn t going to 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : We all know about how you and one James Buchanan Barnes used to get it on

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh. Well.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love the dynamic between hulk and bruce
> 
> ALSO this chapter was inspired by ao3 user fire_sprite so thanks  
> (p.s. feel free to comment ideas on what u want to see in future chapters. if i like it i'll probably throw it in)


	6. how many more phones can one man lose before it's too much?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone finds bruce's phone ;)

7:02 PM, 8/3/12

 

**HULK** _ is online. _

 

**HULK** : PUNY BANNER LOST PHONE

**HULK** : WANTS TO KNOW IF ANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN IT

 

 **Steve** _is online._

 

**Steve** : Why didn’t he just ask one of us in person 

**HULK** : HULK ASK

 

**HULK** : BANNER IS TOO TIRED

**HULK** : DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE BED

**Steve** : Oh

**Steve** : Lol

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online_.

 

**Hawk Guy** : who can blame him

**Hawk Guy** : that was a tough mission

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _ is online. _

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Bruce lost /another/ phone???

**HULK** : YES

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : This is what

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : The fifth one this month

**HULK** : BANNER SAYS 4

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Banner isn’t counting that phone he dropped in the beaker full of the bicarbonate buffer solution he synthesized

**HULK** : BANNER SAYS THAT HE NOT LOSE IT

**HULK** : JUST BROKE IT

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Yeah yeah

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Technicalities

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Whatever

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Tell him I’ll get him a new one

**HULK** : BANNER SAYS TO MAKE IT RESISTANT TO SOLUTION WITH 7.4 PH

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Tell him I’ll make it however I damn well please

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Because I’m the engineer

**HULK** : BANNER SAYS FUCK YOU

 

9:06 AM, 8/4/12

**BANNER** _ is online. _

**BANNER** _ has changed username to  _ **Banner** _. _

 

**Steve** _ is online. _

 

**Steve** : Welcome back

**Banner** : Thanks.

**Banner** : Does anyone happen to know where my old phone is?

**Banner** : Because I’m pretty sure it fell out of my pocket when I hulked out.

 

 **Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Then it’s probably smashed to bits on a street somewhere

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Paranoid much, Brucie?

**Banner** : It’s habitual. 

**HULK** : BANNER COWARD

**Banner** : Yeah.

 

3:20 PM, 8/4/12

 

 **Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : hello?

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : you good, bruce?

**Hawk Guy** : yaint usin proper grammar

 

 **Iron Man is the best Avenger** _is online._

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Yaint?

**Hawk Guy** : you and aint 

**Hawk Guy** : its faster

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Not when you have to explain it 

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

**Steve** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : ???

**Hawk Guy** : is that a glitch or

**Banner** : That other person...isn’t me.

**Banner** : who are u guys

**Banner** : im trying 2 find the owner of this phone n i figured id ask ppl hes in a chat w/

**Banner** : Told you, Tony.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Shut up

**Banner** : How did you even get this phone anyway?

**Banner** : the hulk showed up n he was about 2 smash this phone so i grabbed it

**Banner** : You just…

**Banner** : Grabbed it. Out from under the Hulk.

**Banner** : well yeah!!! i had 2 return it!!!

**Banner** : Jesus Christ.

**Banner** : How are you not dead. 

**Banner** : im fast B)

**Banner** : Oh my God.

**Hawk Guy** : youre goin to give bruce a heart attack

**Banner** : wait 

**Banner** : bruce???? whos that

**Banner** : That would be me. 

 

 **ROMANOV** _is online._

 

**ROMANOV** : It was only a time before they figured it out.

**Banner** : WAIT WHAT

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh boy here we go

**Banner** : LIKE 

**Banner** : Yes, I’m the Hulk.

**Banner** : LIKE BRUCE BANNER??? THE SMARTEST MAN ON THE PLANET???

**Banner** : Excuse me?

**Hawk Guy** : gonna be honest

**Hawk Guy** : i wasnt expectin that

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Hey 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I’m right here you know

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : If anything me and Brucie are tied

**ROMANOV** : You wish.

**Hawk Guy** : lmao

**Banner** : YOUR PICTURE IS IN MY CHEM CLASSROOM!!!!!!!

**Banner** : Excuse me?

**Banner** : IVE READ ALL UR WORK OMG

**Banner** : Excuse me?

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You broke him

**ROMANOV** : Wait. Chem classroom? How old are you?

**Banner** : um 15

 

**Banner** _ is offline. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : yeah you broke him

**Hawk Guy** : this is hilarious i cant stop laughin

**Banner** : oh no did i freak out too much im sorry

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Nah you freaked out just the right amount

**Banner** : im sorry D:

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Don’t worry about it 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : He’ll get over it

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : So what’s your name kid

**Banner** : peter parkre

**Banner** : parker

**Banner** : hang on

 

**Banner** _ has changed username to  _ **peter**

 

**peter** : so if hes mr banner 

**peter** : does that make you guys 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Yeah

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : We’re the Avengers 

**peter** : UJM hhhjnmkgj;kl0\

**Hawk Guy** : tony you broke him

**Hawk Guy** : good goin

**Steve** : Is he ok?

**peter** : sorry!!!! i dropped the phone on accident i had 2 go get it

**Steve** : Why weren’t you evacuated by then Peter?

**Steve** : How did you grab the phone I thought every civilian was out of the area

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh yea

**peter** : oh um

**peter** : about that .

**peter** : i wasnt gone because i was 

**peter** : um

**peter** : fighting 

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : …

 

**Banner** _ is offline. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : how much more can bruce take before he hulks out do you think

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : For the sake of my tower hopefully a lot more 

**Steve** : Fighting?!

**peter** : yea im kinda

**peter** : spiderman 

**Hawk Guy** : but you are a child.

**peter** : im fifteen!!! im a teenager!!!!!!

**Steve** : Lord have mercy

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Oh so you were that guy in the red suit that just showed up

**peter** : yeah!!

**peter** : spiderman!

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Is it morally acceptable to let a kid fight with us?

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Steve?

**Steve** : Why are you asking me

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : You’re like Captain America or whatever

**Steve** : That doesn’t make me the expert on morality

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Ehhh. Sure it does

**Steve** : Also don’t say whatever. I am Captain America

**peter** : i think you should let me mr america

**peter** : dont ruin my dreams like this

**Steve** : I shouldn’t be the only one deciding this

**Hawk Guy** : dont look at me im barely a responsible adult

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : If responsibility is the determining factor here go ahead and count me out

**ROMANOV** : Oh? Why ever should we do that?

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : I know what I'm about

 

 **HULK** _is online._

 

**peter** : oh fr

**peter** : hows that work

**Hawk Guy** : u kno, science and shit

**Steve** : Language!

**Hawk Guy** : the kids in high school steve

**Steve** : I know ;)

**Steve** : Lol

**Hawk Guy** : lol

**HULK** : BANNER UPSET

**Hawk Guy** : why

**HULK** : DUMB REASON

**Hawk Guy** : yeah

 

 **Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : Okay, first of all: I want you all to know I am against the kid fighting with us.

**peter** : im 15 and not a kid

**Banner** : Two: It isn’t a dumb reason. So.

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Are you upset because you think the Hulk is dangerous and no one should get near him?

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : Because Brucie Bear, that is a dumb reason :)

**HULK** : THANKS METAL MAN

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** : :D

 

**Iron Man is the best Avenger** _ has changed username to  _ **Metal Man**

 

**Banner** : Tony, come on...

**HULK** : BANNER STUPID

**HULK** : HULK ONLY HURT BAD PEOPLE

**Banner** : Fine. Fine. Whatever. Obviously I’m the one being irrational here. 

**Metal Man** : Obviously

**Banner** : I mean, it isn’t like the Hulk’s destroyed countless livelihoods.

**Banner** : Including mine. 

**Metal Man** : But Brucieee….Hulkster apologized 

**Banner** : When.

**HULK** : HULK SORRY

**Metal Man** : Right now

**Hawk Guy** : this is awkward lol

**Hawk Guy** : also see a fuckin therapist banner

**peter** : so.. can i stay 

**Banner** : No.

**HULK** : YES

**Metal Man** : Not a very conclusive answer

**Steve** : Lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can never find a good place to end these :/ but if i dont cut em off they go on Forever
> 
> peter is Baby and hulk and bruce are mad at each other - what else is new?


	7. how many avengers does it take to build some ikea furniture?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the answer: all of them and it doesnt work

10:08 AM, 8/6/12

 

**Metal Man** _ is online. _

 

**Metal Man** : HEY I HATE THIS

**Metal Man** : I’M AN ENGINEER WITH 3 FUCKING PHDS

 

**Hawk Guy** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy:** pride is a sin stark

**Hawk Guy** : don’t brag

**Metal Man** : I’m a sinful man, Barton

 

**Steve** _ is online. _

 

**Steve** : Whats wrong

 

 **Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : He’s trying to build IKEA furniture.

**Banner** : It’s very funny.

**Metal Man** : Bruce has just been WATCHING me and not helping

**Banner** : I’m doing a time sensitive experiment, Tony. I can’t just put it on hold to help you build a TV stand.

**Metal Man** : Well

**Metal Man** : First of all, it’s called a Liatorp

**Metal Man** : Second of all, I haven’t seen you do one thing since I’ve started doing this

**Metal Man** : You’ve just been sitting at the lab bench and laughing at me

**Banner** : Yeah.

**Banner** : My time sensitive experiment is “how long can Tony Stark try to build IKEA furniture without giving up and looking at the instructions”.

**Metal Man** : I feel so betrayed.

**Metal Man** : Also I’m an /engineer/

**Metal Man** : I don’t NEED instructions

**Metal Man** : Which is why I destroyed them

**Banner** : ...I’m going to have to reword my research question.

**Banner** : “How long can Tony Stark try to build IKEA furniture before devolving into a blind rage and/or giving up”.

**Metal Man** : Oh shut up

**Hawk Guy** : wait so if yall are in the same room why are you texting

**Banner** : Good question.

**Metal Man** : It’s because I hate Bruce at the moment and don’t want to hear his voice

**Banner** : Ouch. That’s rough.

**Metal Man** : Deal with it

**Steve** : Want me to come help?

**Metal Man** : No

**Banner** : Yes.

**Metal Man** : Fine come here

**Metal Man** : Maybe your old man wisdom will come in handy

 

12:01 PM, 8/6/12

 

 **Metal Man** _is online._

 

**Metal Man** : His old man wisdom did not come in handy

 

 **Steve** _is online._

 

**Steve** : This is the worst thing I’ve ever done

 

 **Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : Contrarily, this is the best thing I’ve ever witnessed.

**Metal Man** : You’re an ass, you know that?

**Banner** : Yeah, and?

**Metal Man** : I hate you

**Banner** : So does the rest of the world.

**Metal Man** : Stop being self deprecating for ONE SECOND so I can be mad at you

**Banner** : ...No.

**Steve** : I’ve lived through countless diseases, asthma, scarlet fever, rheumatic fever. I’ve lived through the great depression and world war ii. I’ve been frozen for 70 years. Why is this the hardest thing ive ever done

**Banner** : Is Steve having a midlife crisis?

**Steve** : I’m having a normal crisis

 

 **ROMANOV** _is online._

 

**ROMANOV** : I’m sick of this, I’m coming to help.

**Metal Man** : :D

**Steve** : How could you smile at a time like this

 

1:34 PM, 8/6/12

 

**Metal Man** _ is online. _

 

**Metal Man** : That’s it, I’m calling Ikea

 

**ROMANOV** _ is online. _

 

**ROMANOV** : Do not. We cannot let them know we’ve lost.

**Metal Man** : There’s nothing wrong with admitting defeathkjgalkrggjltkfm

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : did tony have a stroke

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : Close, but no. Natasha stole his phone.

**Hawk Guy** : fuck im missing all the action ill be right down

**Metal Man** : Bruce… ya thinking about helping anytime soon?

**Banner** : I would love to, unfortunately I’m busy.

**Metal Man** : For the record, as Bruce was typing that, he began to pour distilled water back and forth between two beakers

**Banner** : Listen, it isn’t my fault I have such an aversion to getting angry.

**Hawk Guy** : it., it is ur fault tho

**Banner** : :/

 

2:23 PM, 8/6/12

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : hey what if i just fuckin shot an explosive arrow at this

 

**ROMANOV** _ is online. _

 

**ROMANOV** : Tempting offer, but no.

 

**Metal Man** _ is online. _

 

**Metal Man** : If you fucking destroy my Liatorp I will destroy you

**ROMANOV** : How did you get your phone back.

**Metal Man** : While you were holding piece 3 and 7 together to see if they fit I grabbed it

**ROMANOV** : Well give it back...or else.

**Metal Man** : Oh no I’m so scaredajf;dlskhgkjl;hm,

 

 **Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : This is what team building looks like, everyone.

 

**THOR** _ is online. _

 

**THOR** : Midgard!! The Mighty Thor has Returned!!! :D

**Banner** : Hey, Thor!

**THOR** : Where is Everyone?

**Banner** : In the lab. Building IKEA furniture.

**THOR** : What is this IKEA 

**Banner** : A furniture store. 

**Hawk Guy** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : calling ikea a furniture store is like calling facebook a website

**Banner** : Facebook is a website though.

**Hawk Guy** : yeah

**Hawk Guy** : i dont explain my poetry often

**THOR** : What is Facebook…

**Banner** : A website.

**Hawk Guy** : fuck you 

**Steve** : Hey...Thor...would you like....to come down to the lab...with me and everyone else...and Banner...and build...furniture

 

Operation: Get Thor and Bruce to Plow

 

**ROMANOV** : Real inconspicuous, Steve.

**Steve** : He won’t notice

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**THOR** : I Would Love to!!! 

 

Operation: Get Thor and Bruce to Plow

 

**Steve** : Told you

 

3:36 PM, 8/6/12

 

 **THOR** _is online._

 

**THOR** : THOR WILL SMITE THIS LIATORP WITH THE POWER OF A !))) WINDS!!!

 

**Hawk Guy** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : are you typing in all caps by holding down the shift button

 

**THOR** : Perhaps………………….

 

**peter** _ is online. _

 

**peter** : whats going on guys i was in school

 

 **Banner** _is online._

 

**Banner** : The Avengers are building IKEA furniture. They’ve been doing it for hours now. 

**peter** : do u need help???

 

 **Steve** _is online._

 

**Steve** : Help would be appreciated

**peter** : im comin!!!

 

5:43 PM, 8/6/12

 

 **Steve** _is online._

 

**Steve** : Dr. Banner I swear to God if you don’t come and help us build this fucking television stand

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : Liatorp

**Steve** : Get the Fuck Over Here Right Now

**Banner** :...Fine.

 

6:30 PM, 8/6/12

 

**HULK** _ is online. _

  
**HULK** : this is exactly why i didnt want to get involved guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peter ends up using his spiderwebs to glue the wood together


	8. the great food burglary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Steals Friend's Food...What Happens Next Will Shock You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruce likes spicy food

8:30 AM, 8/7/12

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : Who stole my food. It was in the cabinet and it was in a clearly labelled plastic baggie. 

**Banner** : Who the fuck took it. I want answers.

 

 **Metal Man** _is online_.

 

**Metal Man** : Hey Bruce what the ufck are you eating

**Metal Man** : My mouth is fuckign dying 

**Metal Man** : I feel like my soul has departed my body

**Banner** : So it was you.

**Banner** : My…”science bro”. 

**Banner** : My...“friend”...”Tony Stark”.

**Metal Man** : Trust me Brucie I am very much regretting stealing it now

**Metal Man** : I’m drownigg myself in milk 

**Metal Man** : This is what hell feels like

**Metal Man** : Also that’s my actual name no need to put quotes around it

**Banner** : This unceasing agony you suffer is your penance. You will atone for your sins, you food burglar. 

**Banner** : I will never trust again.

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : jesus and i thought tony was dramatic

**Hawk Guy** : what the fuck food was it 

**Banner** : You don’t understand, Clinton. This is not petty “drama”.

**Hawk Guy** : uh

**Banner** : It was my food. I was looking forward to eating it.

**Hawk Guy** : i mean one time thor drank all my beer

**Banner** : Then you know exactly what I mean.

**Hawk Guy** : hea sure dude

**Metal Man** : HOW THE FUCK WERE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO EATING THIS

**Banner** : I enjoy spicy food.

**Metal Man** : This food isnt really spicy so much as it is like eating the sun

**Metal Man** : Eating this is masochistic

**Banner** : I thought you were into that sort of thing.

**Metal Man** : Everyone has their limits Banner

**Metal Man** : This passed mine a billion times over

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **ROMANOV**

 

**Metal Man** : Nat...I think I’m dying

**Metal Man** : I’m texting you because I think you’re cool and I don’t trust Banner anymore and you are the second person I trust the most

 

Direct Message _between_ **Hawk Guy** _and_ **Metal Man**

 

**Hawk Guy** : hey why do you trust nat more than me

**Hawk Guy** : she sent me the screenshots

**Hawk Guy** : im onto you stark

**Metal Man** : …

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **ROMANOV**

 

**Metal Man** : Yeah I don’t know what I expected

 

Direct Message  _ between  _ **Metal Man** _ and  _ **Steve**

 

**Metal Man** : Steve...I think I’m dying

**Metal Man** : I’m texting you because Banner and Nat betrayed me and I don’t like Clint right now and Thor is off planet

**Steve** : Glad to know I’m your last choice

**Steve** : Are you ok.

**Metal Man** : I just want to tell you that when I inevitably die from my stomach combusting...you aren’t completely horrible

**Steve** : Gee thanks

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**Banner** : Stop telling people you’re dying Tony.

**Banner** : It’s childish.

**Metal Man** : Alright who told

**Steve** : Sorry I thought you were dying

**Metal Man** : I am 

**Metal Man** : Doesn’t mean you need to snitch

**Banner** : I’m glad you told me, Steve. I now trust you the second most.

**Hawk Guy** : why are yall actin like this is myspace 

**Hawk Guy** : like with the best friend lists and shit

**Banner** : I never got to use it during its prime. 

**Banner** : So I’m remedying that now.

**Hawk Guy** : where am i in ur trust list

**Banner** : Third.

**Hawk Guy** : not bad :) 

**Metal Man** : Are you fucking kidding me

**Metal Man** : I trusted you third too

**Hawk Guy** : yeah but. this is banner were talkin bout. the fact he trusts me at all is amazin

**Banner** : I’m glad my trust issues are so renowned. 

**Banner** : Tony do you want to know where you are now on my trust list. :)

**Metal Man** : I feel like my feelings are about to be hurt

**Banner** : You’re last. 

**Metal Man** : My suspicions were correct

**Banner** : You know why?

**Metal Man** : Is it because I stole your food that shouldnt be allowed to exist because it directly violates the Geneva conventions and should be considered cruel and unusual punishment?

**Banner** : It’s because you stole my food, Stark.

**Metal Man** : Can you find it in your heart to forgive me

**Banner** : I’ll think about it.

**Metal Man** : At least tell me what I just ate so I can tell the doctors when I’m getting my stomach pumped

**Banner** : They were Paqui Carolina Reaper chips.

**Hawk Guy** : SLDJFJKFDFNS JESUS

**Metal Man** : I’m going to die

 

**ROMANOV** _ is online. _

 

**ROMANOV** : Probably.

**Metal Man** : Banner why the FUCK are you eating chips that are 1 million units on the Scoville rating scale

**Banner** : I told you. I like spicy food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RBBANNER'S TOP FRIENDS (5)  
> -Thor  
> -Steve  
> -clint  
> -Nicole Richards  
> -IRON MAN


	9. in which bruce gets angry at mario kart, steve adds a friend, and something important is revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has a sister named Rebecca...Bruce's mom is named Rebecca..........................................ohhh shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long for me to get out. also its long cuz i couldnt find a good way to end it??? so yeah
> 
> also this chapter actually kinda has a plot instead of just being HaHa Funny Times :3

10:34 AM, 8/8/12

 

**Steve** _ is online. _

 

**Steve** : I have found out how to talk with speech to text stop 

**Steve** : Now I can communicate while running stop

 

**Hawk Guy** _ is online. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : werent u the one complainin about textin too much when we first opened this group chat

**Hawk**   **Guy** : now ur gonna talk while ur runnin?

**Hawk Guy** : character develpment

 

**Metal Man** _ is online. _

**ROMANOV** _is online._

 

**Metal Man** : Are you

**Metal Man** : Are you saying ‘stop’ like how they did in telegrams to represent a period

**Metal Man** : You know you don’t need to do that, right?

**Steve** : Sorry Stark I didn’t hear you I’m playing Mario cart stop

**Steve** : You fucking fungal piece of shit toad I’m going to chop up your dick and add it to my risotto for dinner 

**Hawk Guy** : uh

**Hawk Guy** : cap? lol 

**Steve** : I should specify that Doctor Banner is playing with me as well stop

**Steve** : Did the phone pick up his angry muttering stop

**Steve** : Steve I swear to God if you say stop again I’m gonna Hulk out right here right now

**Steve** : Mario you cock gobbling spaghetti bitch 

**Metal Man** : Who knew Big Green had Mario Kart induced road rage

**Hawk Guy** : i mean is it that surprising

**Metal Man** : Yeah yeah, that’s his secret, he’s always angry, yadda yadda

**Steve** : Donkey Kong eat my shit 

**Metal Man** : Seeing this stuff come from Steve’s user is really jarring

**Hawk Guy** : im uncomfortable ngl

**Steve** : Sorry stop I’ll turn off my phone stop

**Metal Man** : Wait no

**Metal**   **Man** : I wanna see more

**Hawk Guy** : yeah its like a car crash or somethin

**Hawk Guy** : cant look away

**ROMANOV** : Or Tony in the lab after a 72 hour science binge. 

**Hawk Guy** : yeah or that

**Metal Man** : Why are you watching me while I’m on a 72 hour science binge?

**Hawk Guy** : cant look away

**Metal Man** : Yeah ok

 

**peter** _ is online. _

 

**peter** : ooo dr banner plays mario kart?

**peter** : what character does he play as

**Steve** : The pink Yoshi

**Steve** : Her name is Birdo and Mario you asshole I’m gonna shove that red shell back up your ass who fucking sent that blue shell I swear to fucking God

**Steve** : I’m sorry Dr Banner

**Steve** : Steve 

**Steve** : Shit I have to go

 

**Steve** _ is offline. _

 

**Hawk Guy** : he forgot to say stop

 

4:56 PM, 8/8/12

 

 **Steve** _is online._

 

**Steve** : Hey guys I’m going to add my friend if thats ok 

 

**Metal Man** _ is online. _

 

**Metal Man** : You can’t just

**Metal Man** : This is a top secret group chat

**Metal Man** : We talk about government secrets and shit 

**Metal Man** : You can’t just add a guy

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : Tony, yesterday we got in a fight and I yelled at you for stealing my food.

**Banner** : The fact that I eat Carolina Reaper Chips is hardly a government secret.

**Banner** : Also we let a child keep my old phone and stay on the group chat. I think Steve can add his friend.

 

**peter** _ is online _ .

 

**peter** : im not a child :/

**Banner** : Sorry, kid.

**peter** : not a kid either dr banner

**Banner** : Sorry,

**Banner** :…buddy.

**peter** : :)

 

 **Hawk Guy** _is online._

 

**Hawk Guy** : u forgave tony doc ?

**Banner** : Yeah.

**Banner** : He built me a particle collider in one of the empty labs.

**Metal Man** : B)

**Steve** : Good

**Steve** : Can I add my friend

 

 **ROMANOV** _is online_.

 

**ROMANOV** : Yes.

**Steve** : Ok

**Steve** : How do I do that

**Metal Man** : I hate this

**ROMANOV** : Let me do it, Steve.

 

**ROMANOV** _ has added  _ **BARNES** _ to the server. _

 

**ROMANOV** : Hello Bucky.

**Steve** : Guys this is Bucky :)

**BARNES** : Hello I’m Bucky

**peter** : hi bucky !!! 

**Banner** : Bucky? As in Bucky Barnes?

**BARNES** : Yea apparently I’m Bucky Barnes

**Metal Man** : Oh my fucking God

**Metal Man** : I get it

**Metal Man** : Stop saying his fucking name

**Hawk Guy** : wait wait wait. “apparently”?

**BARNES** : Yeah I’ve kinda been havin an identity crisis for the past few decades

**Hawk Guy** : oh cool

 

**Banner** : Oh no

**Banner** : There’s a thing 

**Banner** : That I have to do 

**Banner** : Its in the lab and its 

**Banner** : Science related

**Banner** : Good bye

 

 **Banner** _is offline._

 

**peter** : he sure does that a lot huh

**Metal Man** : So something definitely just happened to Bruce 

**BARNES** : Is he always like that

**Metal Man** : Only when something happens that he doesn’t want to deal with 

**BARNES** : Well now I can’t help but feel as if it’s my fault somehow

**Metal Man** : Hey, correlation doesn’t equal causation man

**Metal Man** : But I think it’s safe to say that in this case it does

**Hawk Guy** : so then are we jus assumin that there isnt a potentially life threatening accident in bruces lab

**Metal Man** : Uh

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Metal Man** : Did something actually happen in the lab

**Metal Man** : Or are you just running from your problems

**Metal Man** : Because I just kinda assume you’re lying when you do that thing you do 

**Metal Man** : Where you don’t use proper grammar and shit

**Banner** : Thanks.

**Metal Man** : Hey, just telling it like it is big guy

**Banner** : Why should I tell you, anyway?

**Metal Man** : Because I built you a particle collider 

**Metal Man** : Because you’re my friend

**Metal Man** : Because it’s my lab

**Metal Man** : And I can go look and see if you were lying or not at any point because your lab is only a floor above mine

**Banner** : Okay, well, first of all, you can’t use the particle collider as leverage, because that was to make up for eating my food. 

**Banner** : Second of all, fine. 

**Metal Man** : :)

**Banner** : You know how SHIELD has files on all of us? 

**Metal Man** : Yeah of course

**Banner** : I was looking at mine, the other day. Sort of out of morbid curiosity. And under “Relatives”, there was the name James Buchanan Barnes. 

**Metal Man** : What

**Banner** : Apparently he was my mom’s brother. 

**Metal Man** : What

**Banner** : I mean, I knew Mom’s maiden name was Rebecca Barnes, but it never occurred to me that it was the same Barnes as “Captain America’s best pal”, you know? 

**Metal Man** : What

**Banner** : Wow, thanks Tony. Glad I could confide in you.

**Metal Man** : Yeah

**Metal Man** : No problemo

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**Metal Man** : The lab was fine

**Hawk Guy** : oh ok so he is jus lyin all the time he does that

**Metal Man** : Basically

**Hawk Guy** : so then what was the problem

 

Direct message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Metal Man** : So you’re telling me that Barnes is your uncle

**Banner** : Glad you’re finally catching on, Stark.

**Metal Man** : Are you going to tell him?

**Banner** : Absolutely not.

**Metal Man** : Well

**Metal Man** : What are you gonna do then

**Banner** : Good question.

**Banner** : Probably watch nature documentaries until I expire on the couch.

**Metal Man** : Glad that’s your go-to now instead of running :)

**Banner** : Yeah, well. My entire tea collection is here, so.

**Metal Man** : Aww :)

**Banner** : This doesn’t mean anything. You’re making it mean something.

**Metal Man** : :)

**Banner** : Stop that.

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**Hawk Guy** : what was the problem

**Metal Man** : Well

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Metal Man** : What should I tell them the problem is

**Banner** : What the hell, Tony. 

**Metal Man** : What?

**Banner** : Why did you make them think there was a problem in the first place?

**Metal Man** : Well you’re not exactly subtle yourself, Banner

**Banner** : You could’ve just said there was a problem in the lab!

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**Hawk Guy** : theyre definitely discussing what they should say in their dms right

**ROMANOV** : Oh most definitely. 

**Hawk Guy** : great

**BARNES** : Does this happen alot

**Steve** : Pretty much yeah

**BARNES** : Huh

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Metal Man** : I don’t have enough foresight for that!

**Banner** : Jesus Christ.

**Metal Man** : Don’t give me that

**Banner** : This is the last thing Barnes needs to know, Tony!

**Metal Man** : That’s debatable

**Banner** : What’s so debatable about the worst thing you could find out after being cryogenically frozen for decades and then revived to be a weapon for Hydra is that your nephew occasionally turns into a big green rage monster and oh, also, you have a  _ nephew _ ?!

**Metal Man** : I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is

**Banner** : Am I?

**Metal Man** : You also happen to look like, 20 years older than he is

**Metal Man** : If anything, you should be the uncle

**Banner** : Not helping.

**Metal Man** : Wait

**Metal Man** : I can totally fix this

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**Metal Man** : Hey Barnes

**BARNES** : Hey

**Metal Man** : If, hypothetically, you found out that your sister happened to have a kid while you were gone, hypothetically how would you feel

**BARNES** : Well first of all, I feel as if this isn’t hypothetical at all

**Hawk Guy** : lol whats happening

**ROMANOV** : Stark is alluding to Banner being Bucky’s nephew.

**Metal Man** : Uh no

**Metal Man** : That’s totally not what I’m talking about

**Metal Man** : Also

**Metal Man** : Why does he get to be Bucky while I’m Stark?

**Hawk Guy** : jeez youre almost as bad as bruce is lol

**BARNES** : Wait what

**Steve** : Wait what

**BARNES** : Please explain??? Which sister

**ROMANOV** : Your sister, Rebecca, got married and had a child. That child is Doctor Banner.

**BARNES** : Holy shit what

**BARNES** : Hh

**Metal Man** : Congrats, it’s a boy

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Metal Man** : Ok well he knows now

**Metal Man** : But it isn’t my fault

**Metal Man** : I think Nat combs the Shield files on a daily basis, lol

**Banner** : He knows???

**Metal Man** : ...yes

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**BARNES** : Isn’t Banner the one who gets all big and green

**Hawk Guy** : yea

**BARNES** : Oh huh

**BARNES** : How does that work

**Hawk Guy** : radiation or whatever

**ROMANOV** : He was exposed to gamma radiation when a bomb of his own creation exploded. Now whenever he gets angry he transforms into the Hulk, who’s the big green guy.

**BARNES** : Thanks Nat

**BARNES** : Clint, not so much

**Hawk Guy** : yea thats fair

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **Banner**

 

**Metal Man** : They’re explaining your origin story now

**Banner** : What? What are you doing? I thought you were trying to do damage control. You said you’d handle it.

**Metal Man** : It is now apparent that I am terrible at controlling damage

**Banner** : Yeah, I see that now.

**Metal Man** : Why don’t you just go in there and explain yourself

**Banner** : Huh. This nature documentary is really interesting...did you know that the heart of a shrimp is located in its head? 

**Metal Man** : Banner

**Banner** : Hm?

**Metal Man** : Get the fuck in there and talk to your god damn uncle

**Banner** : …

**Banner** : Fine.

 

Avengers Top Secret Hideout - No Suits Allowed

 

**Banner** _ is online. _

 

**Banner** : The crisis in the lab has been averted. 

**Hawk Guy** : uh huh

**Hawk Guy** : did you kno that bucky was your uncle

**Banner** : What? That’s crazy.

**Metal Man** : Banner I swear to God

 

Direct Message _between_ **BARNES** _and_ **Banner**

 

**BARNES** : So

**BARNES** : Hello

**Banner** : Hello.

**BARNES** : Nice day out

**Banner** : Sure.

 

**BARNES** : How long did you know I was your uncle?

**Banner** : A few weeks.

**BARNES** : Thats cool

**Banner** : Sure.

**BARNES** : I’ve only known for a few minutes

**Banner** : I figured. 

**BARNES** : Cool

**BARNES** : So you’re the hulk then

**Banner** : Sometimes. 

**BARNES** : Right

**BARNES** : Hows Becca? I know its been a while

**Banner** : Dead.

**BARNES** : Oh

**BARNES** : Yeah, a lot of people are, huh

**Banner** : Sure.

**BARNES** : Swell

**BARNES** : Good talk

**Banner** : Not really.

 

Direct Message _between_ **BARNES** _and_ **Steve**

 

**BARNES** : How the hell do I talk to the nephew I never knew I had

**Steve** : Idk Buck

**Steve** : It;s nice that you have family though right?

**BARNES** : Yeah it is

**BARNES** : But youre my family too you know

**BARNES** : You aint alone 

**Steve** : Yeah, thanks buck, but I;m the one thats supposed to be helping you

**BARNES** : Then help, pal

**Steve** : Yes of course

 

**BARNES** : I’m waiting

**Steve** : Shit

**Steve** : Take him

**Steve** : Shopping

**BARNES** : Shopping.

**Steve** : Or to dinner

**BARNES** : Jesus Stevie

**Steve** : I’m trying!!! IDK, talk to him about science or something 

**BARNES** : Is he into that?

**Steve** : Yeah he’s real smart

**BARNES** : Ok

 

Direct Message _between_ **BARNES** _and_ **Banner**

 

**BARNES** : So, science, hm?

**Banner** : What do you want from me.

**BARNES** : I dunno

**BARNES** : A conversation

**Banner** : About science.

**BARNES** : Yep

**Banner** : Just. In general.

**BARNES** : Yep

**Banner** : How do you feel about the Higgs boson particle’s - which explains how electroweak symmetry was broken just after the Big Bang to give certain elementary particles the property of mass - existence being proven with the Large Hadron Collider? 

**BARNES** : I think you’re trying to get rid of me with that sentence

**Banner** : I think you’re probably right.

**BARNES** : Swell, good talk

**Banner** : Again, not really.

 

Direct Message _between_ **BARNES** _and_ **Steve**

 

**BARNES** : This isn’t working

**Steve** : Did you aks him about science

**BARNES** : Yea, that’s why it isn’t working

**Steve** : Hm

**BARNES** : Also he’s kind of an ass?

**Steve** : He gets like that

**Steve** : Once I tried to talk to him about somethin sensitive and he got really closed off and stormd off to watch nature documentaries

**Steve** : Id wait for him to calm down

**BARNES** : Alright

 

Direct Message _between_ **Metal Man** _and_ **BARNES**

  
**Metal Man** : If you hurt him I’ll kill you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buncle bucky is Good Headcanon thanks for your time

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr!


End file.
